Matthew 5:21-26
This summer we learned about life in the first and second centuries and the people who followed Jesus in that time. More than anything else, those folks wanted to put Jesus’ teachings into action. He spoke often about how people should live together, and they formed communities to follow his advice. In the process, they said it was like getting a “new life.” Near the end of that series, I realized that if we’re going to follow their example, we too need to know what Jesus told us to do. One way to do that is to read and think about what we know Jesus said, so this fall and winter I suggest we do that, starting with the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew.
Some of today’s teaching is practical advice for people who live under a violent occupation army. It’s a good idea not to come to the attention of the authorities, so if someone is dragging you to court, if you can settle before you get there, you’re both ahead. The courts were likely to deal harshly with anyone they saw as a trouble-maker. The court Jesus is referring to seems to be the one which settles debts owed. People for centuries were thrown into jail for not being able to pay back loans. They used prison time to work and pay back creditors, and it was a miserable experience. In a time of extreme poverty, being in debt was a common reality, as it is for many in our own time. People listening to Jesus surely identified with the situation he was describing.
And we can all identify with his advice about anger. I don’t know anyone who isn’t either angry or frustrated with folks at one time or another. Some years ago we read The Didache, a training manual for first century Christians. The work is only 18 pages long and 10 of those deal with behaviors, mostly anger management. First people mastered how to live in community and get along; then they were admitted to full membership.
The admonition to settle arguments with others before coming to worship or communion is in today’s passage and in The Didache. Remembering that the meals we now celebrate as communion were originally long supper parties, it makes sense for two people having a disagreement to settle up before coming to dinner. Having an argument drag out over hours of a long meal would be miserable for everyone. Plus having a deadline for doing the hard work of settling differences helps us buckle down and do it.
When we hear following Jesus as described as “new life” we are inclined to think of that spiritually. We are “saved” or guaranteed a place in heaven. “New life” can have a daily explanation as well. When we develop skills for community living, our lives become easier. Anger management, clear communication, letting frustrations go, sharing generously with others, being clear about what we need and willing to meet the needs of others - all these make life better for ourselves, our families and the groups we join. The Jesus groups were making their lives new by following Jesus’ instructions about how to live together.
I suspect all of us have the experience of being angry at someone or some situation. We easily fret over some real or imagined harm done to us, filling up our days with misery and creating heartburn and headaches. The advice to resolve anger lets that go and sets us free.
There are a number of skills we learn over time to make that possible:
One is to be honest about what’s troubling us, but not in an accusatory way. We say how we are feeling, not pointing out what the other has done wrong. I remember practicing “I” statements when I learned mediation. “When you… I feel… I wish…” When you eat my ice cream I feel disappointed. I wish you would ask me before eating something I’ve put in the freezer.” “When you talk over my talking, I feel discounted and frustrated. I wish you would wait for me to finish before you talk.”
Another skill is to ask questions and wait for answers, without assuming what they will be. “Why did you snap at me?” “Why did you go to the movies without inviting me?” “You seem down today. Would you like to talk about it?”
An important skill is to learn to identify the stories we’re telling ourselves and decide if we want to change them. We all want to know “the truth” about how things are, but in reality there is no objective truth, only what seems to be true from various perspectives. Even what we think of as objective science now tells us that experimenters impact their experiments by what they expect to happen. So that’s even more true in personal relationships. Consider the person driving too fast and quickly passing you on a city street. They could be an irresponsible kid showing off. Or they could be rushing a wife to the hospital to have a baby. Or they could be a grandma who really has to go to the bathroom. Or they could be someone who just broke off a relationship and is emotionally distraught. It takes practice to realize that we don’t know the stories of other people’s lives, and we don’t have to make them up. “I wonder what that’s about” is a helpful thought rather than being quick to be angry or critical.
Finally, our meditation friends teach us about not being attached to thoughts or situations. We can notice: I’m feeling angry, I’m feeling hurt, I’m feeling frightened or any emotion. Then we can remind ourselves that emotions happen, they don’t become who we are. We get to choose whether we’ll identify with them or not. I’m feeling sad is not exactly the same as I’m sad. That tiny bit of separation gives us space to notice the feeling, acknowledge it’s real, and then choose how to handle it. Will we have a conversation with someone who’s hurt us? Will we tell ourselves a different story about the situation? Will we find something that makes us joyful to focus on instead? We can learn to work with emotions rather than letting them take over, even if it takes some time to calm down and be ready to do that.
I realize that this sounds more like psychology and self-help than what we’re used to thinking about as religion. It’s a good reminder that all the parts of our lives matter to Jesus; our whole selves are loved by God and we can bring all of ourselves into God’s light. Jesus was teaching people how to live together in a more healthy and loving way. I’ve said before that the key question is “What would love do?” It remains the key question when we are angry, frustrated, or in trouble with others. What is the most loving way to deal with one another, to learn about one another, and to heal relationships with one another? That is what Jesus asks us to do. Together, we can learn how to do it.